Dear Future Dinner Guest

In case you're wondering how to make a good impression, I'll give you a few pointers. Don't:

1) talk incessantly about how I'm psychoanalyzing you all night (because I will start charging you my hourly fee)
2) make disparaging remarks about women, particularly when you're sitting between two
3) mask your condescending attitude toward the waiter by calling him "[your] man"
4) use the word "pretentious" five times in one conversation (because guess what you start coming across as...)

That's all. Looking forward to breaking bread with you. Here's hoping these tips will help me not want to break your nose while I'm at it.

Warmly,
Robin